After the fact, I’m still not dealing with this well. I didn’t really sleep Tuesday night. I went into Tech Comm pretty much bleary eyed and barely aware. There was some sort of public “Thank You Michael for your work over the years”… but still ignorance over the fact it’s 12 years, not 9 years. The “thank you” thing trailed off and was not completed. The people at the meeting were not told point blank “hey! We fired Mike! What do you think about that? Huh?”
Is it so bad that I cared a lot about a part time job that always underpaid me? Is it so bad that I got great job satisfaction from TLN (before Angie started stripping my duties away)? I feel like I’ve been kicked in the nuts repeatedly for a year and now I’m only now coming out of the nut kicking coma I’ve been in.
There was some kind of communication break down there. For the last year, I’ve felt that they barely understood me. Treated like a contractor, paid like an employee. Barely spoken to, and then in tone that always seemed to say “I’m annoyed I have to talk to you.” But why? Even if I didn’t agree with some of the things they were doing, I always did my best. And yeah, Sure, I vented. I ranted. I shared my rants with John and Derek (for awhile) but I never gave anything but my best. Heck, I CARRIED the whole department last year between February and August. But from September onward, my duties started getting stripped without reasons. I was ignored. I was simply becoming so frustrated NOT knowing what was going on… The people in the department hadn’t talked to me on any regular basis since late summer. How sad is that? Never gave anything but my best, but in the end, I was ignored… as if I were a diseased member waiting to rot off. Fortunately, I’m anything but a diseased member.
I just feel I deserved better than that, you know? I’m a human being, deserving of respect, and I don’t feel like I got treated with respect. I was loyal. I remained loyal…. even when I had no reason to be loyal. I’m just really unhappy about this. All these words just can’t summarize or lend meaning to the burning ache I feel in the pit of my soul.
And yes, I’ve always been like this. When I quit at Noble Library in 1996, after having worked as a Library Page for 7 years at a top wage of $5.25/hr, I couldn’t do it. I knew for a month and a half I had to quit. That I was burned out and bored to death of the job. But I felt this loyalty to the people I worked with. Every day I intended to go into Carol’s office and talk with her about quitting. And I couldn’t do it. When I finally did do it, I practically felt like I was committing some kind of crime by quitting.
I’m a bad quitter because I have loyalty. I should have quit TLN long ago. But I didn’t… because I’m a bad quitter. Didn’t matter if I did not feel like the boss was treating me poorly or unfairly. Bosses come and go, but loyalty remains for a long time.
So I guess no one understood that about me. Now it is written. Who knows who will read it. Who knows who will understand it. Who knows who will care about it.
Fiscally, this whole thing sucks. I’m finding myself now having to drop a ton of things I’ve relied on over the years. I’m going to have to quit the gym, which isn’t great for my health, but I have no choice. I’m going to have to trade in my Jeep for something smaller and cheaper. I’m going to have to change my TV and Internet providers. I’m probably going to have to find more side jobs, work more hours… just to pay off all the damn bills. I’m going to have to pray to God this is the year the Condo association doesn’t cost me tens of thousands of dollars with their screw ups. I’m going to have to hope that they don’t raise the gas prices to $4/gal and bankrupt my ass.
TLN wasn’t paying me much the last few months, but it was groceries. It was the gym. It was some gas money. And those things are now gone.
Is it really so awful that I want to just sit here and scream obscenities at them? Is it really so awful that I need closure? meaning I need to know: what did I do wrong? Why was I fired?