Nearly there

Having a real bad stretch…

Last week was not enjoyable. Last week was 2 years since my mom passed. I had a really hard time that day. Everything went to shit at work, and I just started to break down. I felt completely over whelmed. I went into the back and cried for about 15 minutes.

However, the “problem” was solved (mostly) on Thursday, or so it seems. Except now I’m dealing with more of the same… Windows XP and Windows 7 do NOT play well together, especially when it comes to security software.

I started to feel the same sense of being over whelmed. Too many things at once… with the realization that it’s mostly me. *I*’m the one driving too hard. I’m the one driving myself freaking nuts.

Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that my bosses will think “oh my gosh, he didn’t get it right the first time… he’s slipping… ” I’m afraid sort of afraid my friend will get tired of the fact I’m not afraid to tell her how I feel, even when I feel over whelmed, and want to talk to her about it, so she can talk me down from whatever ridiculous heights of self imposed panic I’ve created…

I don’t want to burn out. Maybe i’m having a mid-life crisis. I can feel myself screaming inside, wonder why all of this is. Why do I have so little? Why can’t I get my bills paid without massive effort? Why does is “capitalism” good? Why is it bad to place more currency in CARE than I do it “earning”?

When I snap at you… I hope you know I’m not trying to hurt you. That I’m not trying to be mean. That sometimes, I’m not nearly perfect, and sometimes when I snap, that’s me saying “I’m hurt, I’m lost, and I need help.” But I can’t always says I need help, because I’m the whole kit and kaboodle.

I wrote out a list of projects I’m currently dealing with. I may well share that. Regardless of which, it’s 9 deep and I’m about half done. And in terms of “timeline”, it’s all expected to be done by January.

I want to take a vacation. I want to leave for 2 or 3 weeks. i want to lay on the beach, swim and sleep all day. So very much I want to do… but cannot. Because I don’t have the money. Because my friend isn’t available. Because… because… because… because… because… so many becauses.

When I was about 20, I had a fairly traumatic moment with my Dad. i don’t even think he realized it was traumatic, but I still feel it now. My Dad was upset, and it the middle of his own mid-life crisis. He asked me in a sort of angry, distraught voice… ‘What do I have? I don’t have nothing to show for it. 30 years of work, and I have nothing at all.’

I remember being pissed off. I remember my jaw dropped and I stood there, my thoughts screaming “you have 2 sons! you have a wife! you have a house! you have two cars, a camper, and a happy family!”

I feel myself asking the same questions… and I don’t have a son, or family to look upon. To care about, or to love. I know what I want, and I know what I need… and i know I can get there, if only patience comes unto me.

BTW: Loving this new theme.

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