How Santa Claus delivers zillions of presents to trillions of children

Alright, this is a secret, ya know? Don’t ask me how I know it. Suffice to say, I know the secret, and I’m telling it in my blog. That way, it will be on the Internets, so you know it’s true.

Every year, at exactly 12:00:08 EST, Santa Claus activates a time dilation device that slows down the passage of time on the entire planet.

The time dilation slows down the passage of time over the entire planet, except for those who are given a time dilation shield… namely, Santa Claus, all his elves, and select NASA officials, who are given control of a beam to keep aliens from invading during the time dilation event. It’s happened before…

In either case, for those protected by the time dilation shield, the event of delivering presents to trillions of children around the world takes approximately 6 and a half months. For those of use unprotected from the time dilation event, the event lasts all of 5 minutes.

Normal time is restored at 12:05:08 on December 25 every year. 6 months of time passes within the space of 5 minutes. It must always be 5 minutes. You see, long ago, even when the event took only 5 minutes of real time, it still took Santa and his helped 2 months of dilated time. The time dilation device is being pushed to it’s limits.

Now it’s my job to find a way to increase the efficiency of the time dilation device. I’m afraid it’s not very easy to do, but I’ve been tasked with making sure that the device works next year… because if it doesn’t, some children will get left out. The line between naughty and nice will be weighted to cause more children to be judged as naughty.

And remember, for 5 minutes every year… the entire planet is standing still. For 5 minutes, every year, alien forces could just waltz in and do whatever they wanted. There’s so very few of us to defend the world during these times… but for 5 minutes, trillions of children learn that their parents, family and friends truly love them.

So from the bottom of my heart I pledge this: I will make the device more efficient than ever before…

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