Conflicted, neither personally nor professionally

Okay, mostly professionally. The last week has been a comedy of holy shit!

Personally, I had a lovely week before… some lovely things with a lovely lady. A wonderful conversation, which etched words into a future… a solemn promise that made my heart smile. I know this much for sure, personally: I am in love.

Then after Labor Day… awful. Why do people steal? Why do we let them get away with it? I feel so completely conflicted about what is going on.

I know he’s having problems at home. Money issues… but still… I’m left in the O’Brien Position: I don’t hate you, Cardassian. I hate what you’ve made me: Someone who has to fire people. He’s a good guy. I like him, and stupidly thought he felt the same. Alas. I feel so USED. I gave him $80 in gas money. I let him drive my car while his was in for repair. We gave him all the time he needed to recover from a serious medical issue. Then THIS?!?!?! When I saw this occurring on security video, I felt my heart break. Seriously.
Then I hear he’s mouthed off, telling recently hired pages how EASY and CUSHY this job is… oh, for crying out loud.. are you kidding me??!?!? What did I do to you, besides be kind?

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. It really takes strength to be kind… especially in this world, where par for course is to piss on your shoes, and then the top of your head when you clean your shoes.

he essentially embezzled $30 from us, and then only admitted to $20 AFTER I approached him… this is a repeat of the Syed situation for me, except now I’m part of handling it. He hasn’t paid back yet, and I got a bad feeling. What does tomorrow bring? ARGH!

TLN still can’t fix SAM… they lost another tech because she STILL doesn’t know the difference between a System ADMIN and a System TECH. Now, we have to start ALL TROUBLESHOOTING all over again… it’s like a really bad ride in an amusement park, and I want to get off and vomit. On the ride operator.

We’ve had perverts in the building… children breaking equipment… more perverts (with stalking on top).

I felt good about myself professionally… following the C-Page meeting. I felt everyone heard me, felt the message, and was feeling the same energy I felt. We’re all ready to be more accountable. To be more professional.

Am I a professional?

I overheard (probably by accident) that things are “much more professional” at another Library. I don’t know how to feel about that, but I feel sad about it and want to do something to fix this… but the reality of it remains: I am not a professional.

I’m a guy who picked up technical tidbits by permeable memory, and applied it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I have loads of experience to draw on now, and I learn more every day. I’m professionally happy right now, but I’m also flustered to heck.

Am I administration?

But I’m hearing grumbled/mumbled ponderings… why aren’t I? I’m boss to 7 pages, with all the thrills, chills and spills that go with that. I’ve been here for almost 13 years now. Is there anywhere for this to go, or am I just spending out my days at this level… wondering if I’m ever good enough to be recognized beyond the door of the workroom…

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