Cochlear Lessons

Music is still not working well for me. Some I can hear, but I’m mostly pissed because nothing sounds the way it did. Pink Floyd is mostly a muddle to me. MCB is just random noises. Primus is workable, but nothing like it was. Van Halen is just screeching. Chapstik, just sounds like brakes exploding repeatedly. It’s weird.

So as far as music goes, my memory is my enemy right now.
I realized something… deep thoughts alert!

The more I can engage in conversations, the more I realize there’s a responsibility that goes along with it. It’s not something that would occur to anyone else, I think.

That responsibility being, when you’re deaf, or nearly so, you have no expected responsibility to engage in a conversation. People accept ‘he’s deaf, so he won’t be able to follow”. People will ask you questions, and just expect the answer. There’s no flow to the conversation. It’s just an interrogation.

Now, people expect me to follow and carry on a normal conversation, just all of a sudden, out of the blue. What they forget, or never considered, is that I have no skill set at this point for carrying on a normal conversation.

I have to learn that. My conversation style has always been built from… well…  BBS’s, chatting, IRC, and IMs, which are conversations, but not NORMAL.

A normal conversation is just different. And I don’t know all the ins and outs of it properly, so it feels awkward at times as I try to exercise this new found responsibility and engage in conversations. I like it, but it just feels awkward to me.

Doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying it: I AM! I’ve had conversations with people, even family and friends, that are more involving than any I can recall. I’ve spoken at length with aunts and uncles longer than I ever have before. I’ve laughed at and along with jokes, instead of just laughing because everyone else was. It’s wonderful, this feeling of involvement… and scary at the same time, because of that element of responsibility I discussed previously.

Alas. It will take time. I may never be perfect. But I’m trying, and I appreciate your patience with me, and understanding over my new found paradigm of social awkwardness.

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