Blown Up

I’m afraid I’ve gone too far again. I’m feeling very blown up right now.

I’m working on Sunday afternoon, because someone has to. The person scheduled basically “forgot” they had a trip, and then while I’m at desk on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I see a picture with them on the other side of the state basking in the sun. He’s a kid, so I understand it. But the “boss” in me is basically a bit peeved. How do I drive home the message of “pay attention your schedule” without sounding like a jerk? I’m trying.

I just spoke at a conference last week. It was nice, but I was the weakest part of a four part presentation. I hit the wrong button, skipped forward and lost my place. Several points I wanted to make were skipped. Alas. It was a good presentation, and an excellent team. I love that I have the professional integrity and sway to arrange a 45 minute discussion about why video games in libraries are GOOD. No matter how old I get (and this is relevant because of what follows), I’ll never stop being the kid who geeked out to the maximum level of geek out when Dad brought home an Atari 2600 and said “we have to go to Toys R Us and get Space Invaders now”.

I’m an old-ish man now. I’m a penitent man. I recognize my smallness in the world, and I’m a dedicated man. I also recognize that I’m compensating. I work way too much, because hey, what the hell else am I supposed to do? I have no family to take care of. I’ve spent the last 10 years taking care of my mom and dad. Now that they’re gone, I’m still feeling lost. I’m good at taking care of other people: not so good at taking care of me. I eat too much. I eat decent meals, it’s just I have this terrible habit of eating, say, an entire bag of chips in a single sitting. And not a snack bag either: like a full stack of Pringles.

I gave up on the gym because the trainer was an obnoxious jack ass. I’m still paying for it, trying to convince myself to go back, but so far I’m failing because I work too much. It’s hugely expensive, so I better go back sooner than later. Plus, I’m fat and closing in on 45 years old. If I have any expectation of retiring in any way that doesn’t involve “you have to retire because your body can’t take it”, I have to take care of myself.

I work too much is my excuse. I don’t like this excuse and it pisses me off. I want to work on MYSELF too. I want to hang out with my family and friends. The only thing I do for myself lately is work on my yard.

I LOVE mowing the lawn. I LOVE having a garden, in tribute to my grandpa, and with the expectation I can harvest spicy peppers and make hot sauce.

I really wish I didn’t come home to an empty house. I come home and I’m stressed, my mind is blank, and any desire to be “healthy” goes out the door because “pizza, pop and chips make you feel better.”

I’m going to have the place re-roofed and install internal AC soon as well. That’s my “investment” and I hope it’s a good one. I worry if it is because my neighbor is proving to be problematic. I suspect they’re selling drugs or something, as it’s often treated like a 7-11 with people parking (sometimes on my front lawn), going inside, and coming out 5 minutes later during all hours of night. There’s often loud, massively throbbing music even at late hours of night. I feel like I’m falling into a “old man” routine of feeling pissed off because of it, and feeling powerless to do anything about it. I asked the guy if I could pay to have the poison ivy removed from his side of the fence. He told me flat out “No, I have to protect my family”. WTF? I did research on police calls on the street and there’s been multiples so… I hope I’m not pissing my money away.

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