MC Spoo

Dark and Stormy till the morning light

Another dark and stormy night
I watch the cloud threaten their fight

the wind whips down heaven sent
bearing hell and anger within

Down comes the rain to drown
the ever lasting thoughts of mine

Even as the seas do rise
my thoughts turn to you with a smile

WIldfire burns through the thicket
and all the people scream

save me save me save me save me
I'm not meant to go this way

The tornado twists around my knickers
and yet my feet remain planted

like Dorothy hitched her ride
so far away they cried

yet still they remain
ever so sadly they pray

behold one day
she'll return to be

The sun that shines through
on a dark and stormy day

part the clouds and sweep the
warm summer breeze over me

and finally I can move my feet
and walk right along with you

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The Last Lonely One

I'm the last one.

The last of a huge family, the last who hasn't gotten married. Everyone else: married.

I'm the last one without kids. The last one who hasn't even been engaged.

How should I feel about this?

I'm the last lonely one. The legacy that will never extend.

Not by choice. Most definitely not. It's just the way God wants it.

I'm supposed to say "hey, What God Wants... God Gets.'

I'm supposed to pray "help me, help myself"

so... maybe he'll list to my blog.

Whatever. I've become too numb, because if I left myself feel this any more than the typing of these words, I'm not sure I'll want to do anything else but curl up in a fetal ball and stare at the base boards in the bathroom.

I'm so happy for everyone.

and so sad for myself. and I feel guilty for having that selfish thought... that I'd like something for myself. Someone to share this life with. I feel GUILTY for wanting it, and guilty for not having it.

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Brutal Pickles

Instructions for making one jar of Brutal Pickles. Use a wide mouth Ball's Jar, or other pickling jar. Recipe assumes a 16 oz jar.

ONE (1) LARGE Fresh Cucumber, sliced into 1/4" slices OR into 4 spears (cut in half, then cut the halves in half.)
4 oz of Pickling or White Vinegar
4 oz of cold water
1 tablespoon of Pickling Salt
1 Tablespoon of Penzey's Pickling Spice
1 tablespoon of Frank's Red Hot
1 medium Ghost Chili Pepper, sliced into coins and keep all the seeds. Wear some rubber gloves when doing this, and when moving the sliced pepper and seeds into the jar. You'll thank yourself for this precaution.

In order, put the salt, pickling spice, and Frank's Red Hot into the jar.

Then CAREFULLY place all slices and seeds from the Ghost Chili into the jar.

Then add your cucumber slices and/or quarters. You can use more than 1 cucumber, but do NOT fill the jar further than the top.

Now you can add the Vinegar and then the water.

Screw the top onto the jar. Shake to dissolve all dry ingredients into the mixture.

CLEAN UP ANY JUICE FROM THE PEPPER. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. IT IS NASTY STUFF. :) Don't take off your gloves (OR RUB YOUR EYES) until this is cleaned up.

Allow to refrigerate for at least 24 hours. Your patience WILL be rewarded.

The taste is BRUTAL and delicious.




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Fully Randomized Caterwauling

very little of anything is making much sense these days... I'm struggling right now with both the mental and physical phases.

a. My left leg keeps fighting me. i keep trying to be more physical, but bugs keep cropping up. Right now, my ankle feels stiff and fragile. and my back feels like I slipped a disc. I'm starting to feel like Bruce Willis: I'm too old for this shit.

I need to lose weight, but it's like my body doesn't want me to. everytime i do something even vaguely athletic, like walking a mile, i have to wait a week or 2 before picking it up again... I should go to my doctor, but...

b. I'm having issues with Doctor offices. Why is is just so difficult for a doctor office to contact me in a way that WORKS? A phone call is NOT an honest attempt to contact a deaf person. I'm sorry, but it's NOT. I don't care what the law says: the law has no idea what it's like to be deaf, nor does it care.

I don't trust my doctor now. They cancelled an appointment and never told me. No email. No call to my dad. NOTHING. Plus, my Doctor was horribly rude to my friends, who were also his patients... I'm not sure i want to work with him anymore.

I don't trust the Sleep Center either. They scheduled an appointment and never told me. They didn't contact me: they contacted my dad: less than 12 hours before the appointment. They asked me to schedule another appointment... well, why would I? You schedule shit on  your own. Why don't you schedule it and not tell me then bitch about it to me in snail mail again because I don't show up again? Jackasses....

I think I need new doctors. I need new doctors who fully understand that a deaf person can't use a telephone. Use email, use snail mail... just contact me. It's not that hard, really.

c. Life is change. The more everything changes, the more it stays the same. There is way too much change going on right now. I feel so off center. Everyone is leaving me. Maybe it's selfish to have that thought, but I'm having it.

Friends leaving. Employees going on to bigger and better things. Family friends passing.

It's not me this year... it's everyone else.

d. I miss my friends. I miss hanging out with steve and ruth and wendy and sal and howard... I miss hanging out with charlie and toni, lucas, bella and jack... I miss feeling like part of the group.

I'm so tired of being alone. I don't want to live alone anymore. i don't want to wake up alone anymore.


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Sad and Alone

Sad and alone

wither my happiness
nor my satisfaction
have bearing
upon the mechanisms
of reality


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Try to Hurt You

Why give your trust
they'll try to hurt you

No matter what your intention were
they'll try to hurt you

Cause that's the animal within
it tries to hurt you

to protect itself from perception eschewed
try to hurt you

logic and common sense
forget you

and beauty is just lipstick and glitter
it won't define you

but the moment before you
and a question is asked of you
just understand
in all of the land

I'm the only one who never
try to hurt you

I don't need to you
but I damn well want you
even if it will hurt me


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Hit the Ground

don't hesitate if the moment presents
and won't desecrate cause the time is nigh to repent

Truth speaks in every language
and bullshit walks the plank in every single place

In the end what's coming has already came
you'll realize it's all just playing a game

You'll never pass go
never collect your dough

was ready before you
hit the ground

Falling ever free
except for gravity

and time that bitch keeps
her hooks into thee

When you're ready
you're already going

won't hesitate a moment
and don't desecrate the rhyme

Plan on it and bank on it
only a fool would place on it

Run with the wind
taste the sky as it cries

no matter how far you can't
outrun your crimes

when you hit the ground
do you keep on going or do you bounce?


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Geek Your Library

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this time is the only time

this time is the only time that ever happened in all the time before
which didn't result in the failure of comprehending what actually happened
whenceupon the moment did she spake of the past and the future
a meaningless conjecture of wishful thinking and forgoing sight

without a doubt the only time this ever happened in all of time before
which didn't result in confusion and panic spread amongst the poor saps
who lack the common sense and common courtesy to step aside and say
way way way over my head you're going today

I bent my ear unto the ground to hear the rumble and the pound
I see the grains of sand begin the shiver and shake
I lift my head to look yonder the horizons fate
I open my eyes ever so wide with acknowledgement and steps to take

Gulp it down and move your feet cause running is the only way to beat
you can move fast enough till they're on you like the sunlight
hide in the shade, I dare ya, it won't help for long cause they're find ya
and you'll collapse unto a heap of defeat when you realize the real demon

this time is the only time that ever happened in all the time before
which did result in understanding but didn't result in a plan of action
it hurts too much to think about it anymore I want to stop and dull my brain
but I'm too logical to go that way so inside myself the pain does keep

when I snarl you know I weep
when I growl you know I'm weak
when I run away you know I'm breaking
but for when I stand there silently...

this time is the only time that ever happened in all the time before
oncoming the traffic would plow me down but all is siezed
my mind my body my soul my being cannot move or plan to move
cause I'm rooted on this spot is fear and suffering

Plow my down take me out lend me pain it's better than imagining another moment
alone in the dark floundering and festing my hands reaching my eyes they bleed
or walk away from my eyes weeping my soul seeping my mind bleeping
it's not unfeeling but overwhelmingly the way it seems if not for you nor then for me

this time isn't the only time my words my actions are undefined
only the mind of I does know what these words mean
apply your logic and your crime pretend you know what is mine
or just ask me nicely cause I will never lie or make you cry

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Odd Sounds…

Last Monday, I woke up... everything was pretty normal.

I took a shower, got dressed, and grabbed my Cochlear implant... I walked down the hallway, got the battery, plugged it in, turned it on... attached it to my head... and then I heard this HUGE MASSIVE TREMENDOUS ROARING sound that almost floored me. I thought I was in the midst of a nuclear explosion, or a helicopter was hovering over my house.

My eyes bugged out as I looked around trying to ascertain the source of this HUGE sound... then I realized... that's the heater.

So I opened the utility doors, and there was nothing wrong. It was running normally. So I said out loud "what the F%%#?" and my own voice sounded like I was bellowing at the top of my lungs and then some.

The heater shut off, and I whispered to myself, almost to my cats... "what is going on?"... and it was still like I was yelling.

I thought... okay... this will pass. I turned the volume down to 1, and the microphone pickup down to 1... it was STILL TOO LOUD, but manageable.

I went into work... and worked my typical crazy Monday... having the pages behind me tearing tape (sounds like a Jet crashing into a 300 ft deep pool of Jello with glass), crumpling paper/wrappers (sounds like Metallica amplified to 14)... by noon, I had a massive, splitting headache and went to the MEI office...

There was NO ONE available to speak with me. So we set an appointment for Thursday afternoon. Which meant I was going to have to deal with this freaking sonic boom of sound for the nest 4 days.

I went back to work and the tinnitus started to hit me... it was hitting me because I turned down the mic sensitivity to 1, and my brain was in "where's the noise? I know there's more noise? Gimme it all, you sweet bastard!" mode. Yes, my brain swears like that. so I had to kick the sensitivity up until the tinnitus went down... and I started slamming down Tylenol to subside the headache.

I went home that night, and walked around very gingerly... avoid all manner of noise, but I still went for a 1 mile walk in the evening... and it sounded like I was randomly run over by garbage trucks without mufflers (it was really just lil' Focus's and Civics and crap driving by... good lord).

Long story short, for the next three days, I listened to the world at sonic boom. The sounds were so loud, I found myself involuntarily cringing from the simplest sounds... the fan on my computer, the tape, teh paper wrinkling, the sneezing, the doors slamming... and sound of my Flash drive and Cochlear remote clinking together... shit, the sound of spit in my mouth when I merely opened by jaw a millimeter.

Thursday afternoon, they give me a baseline test. This creates some sounds to see how your nerves react. It creates what might have been the loudest sounds I have EVER experienced in my life. I have near constant tinnitus at this point from the barrage of noise to go along with... and this isn't my normal audiology/otologist either... She determines that my baseline was so far off the program in my Cochlear that it didn't make sense. My cochlear was amplifying as much as 35 decibels ABOVE my baseline.

I'm like.. wait... WHAT? My hearing IMPROVED?

No, just my sensitivity to sound. It doesn't mean improvement. It means a shift in how my brain perceives sound. It could be because my cochlear has been programmed at 250 pulses, and my brain has decided this is just too "easy" or too slow. I hate when my brain makes decisions without consulting me... in any case, the audiologist set me up with a new program base don 900 pulses a second, which creates a terribly "inaccurate" sound to me that is sharp and bereft of warmth... very strange that only if I start speaking like Mickey Mouse does my own voice sound "loud".

So now I'm "back to the beginning" to locate my baseline again. All the improvements I've had in comprehension are out the door because my ability to perceive sounds from the cochlear has shifted... the new baseline must be located.

Anyone tells you that a Cochlear Implant is easy? It ain't.



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