Haven’t said much about my state(s) of mind, so I’ll do some quick summaries of random thoughts bouncing around…
a. I’m over worked. I love my job… but I’m over worked.
b. I’m over extended… on everything. I eat too much. I spend too much. I work too much… and I don’t work out enough, and I don’t save enough and I don’t spend enough time on me.
c. I say that even after spending a week in Las Vegas… I’m really happy to have won the RUSA Award for Excellence in Reference and Adult Services with Wendy… but we should have given props to Allison, Al and Jon as well.
Las Vegas itself is a different world, especially in July. HOT. and that’s not even scratching the surface. Las Vegas is a metaphor for what I noted in b. Las Vegas is huge, and has no water. All it’s water comes from Lake Mead, and Lake Mead is down 120 feet. I mean, there’s an RV park that should be on the water but is almost a mile offshore. There’s a place called “Las Vegas Bay”, but there’s no water in the bay. There’s a place called “33 Hole” and there’s no water or features to see. It’s a freakishly beautiful mud puddle.
I’m not a big enough material person to get into Las Vegas, and all the gambling and titties and guns… but the desert was pleasant, if hot. I loved driving through there. I loved seeing the Grand Canyon (West Rim, ho!) You have no idea of it until you stand on a ledge, and look down some 3,000 feet at a tiny little river and realize the pure scale of it… I might return, but not alone… I want to experience it with friends and family. My dad and I had a ball, but we both felt it should be experienced with “more people”.
d. I’m 43 years old now. I’m ready for the rest of it. I cannot keep living this single life and be happy… or generally have any feelings at all, because I find myself just not feeling. Emotionally numb and barely able to state what I feel. That’s why I don’t write here much anymore… I’m old enough to know the best days of my life and the day spend with someone else. I don’t need someone else to survive, or live… I need someone else to enjoy and thrive with… to share with…
e. My uncle passed away in June, and I’m still bummed about it… I miss him because he was funny, and he had so many stories… he was so loved. Unfortunately, we’re all getting old. Aunt Patsy’s doing chemo. Uncle Mike’s back is so bad he can’t walk. My Dad has undergone radiation treatment for prostate issues… Uncle Chuck just had a heart attack (mild, he’s fine…)… I’ve lost my Mom 5 years ago… All my aunts and uncles are retired except Aunt Peggy and Uncle Mike (McRae).
Loss, however quick or slow, sucks. The Lord didn’t think this part out… whether this is what makes us human or not, the pain of loss is excruciating. Makes me wish we could all spend more time together… and treasure the time we have more, rather than spending it sniping over petty crap…
f. I’m almost 2 years from my Cochlear implantation. The plateau should be reached soon, or has been. I do hear more, but I find I’m very annoyed in loud places because there’s just too much.
g. I will never take another red eye flight. When it’s 3am your time, and the plane is an hour late… I get really freaking bitchy… when the seat won’t go back, and they turn on a bunch of freaking TVs that shine like the sun.