MC Spoo
25Jan/101

Summary and Upheaval of Fabric

So everything in my life seems to have changed drastically, and I lost my voice to speak here. Now I'm struggling to regain my voice.

My mom passed away in November after a bit of a battle with Renal Cell Carcinoma, a shitty piece of disease that creeps up and infects your body so insidiously, that the doctor have no real way of knowing it's there until it's already done it's damaged. She spent the last month of her life in the hospital, and the preceding month undergoing radiation and chemotherapy treatments for... well... nothing much at all.  She got so weak, she could not get into the house on her own. She could not stand up on her own anymore.

Now everything is different. I no longer know what normal is, and this effects everything there is about me. Maybe this post will be a bit selfish, but after the last 6 months, maybe there's some time in your life when its not really so awful to be selfish. Sometimes it's required.

I've been feeling mean. Petty. Vindictive. Upset. Pissed off. Scared for myself. Scared for my dad. I've been snappy with co-workers, and probably not nearly as pleasant as I otherwise should be. How long should it take for me to regain my footing, and find myself again?

For years,one of the ways I kept my head screwed on right, was to write poetry. It was blowing off steam. I posted a bit of these that pass muster on this site (http://mcspoo.com/creative). But I haven't been able to produce much of anything but pointless hatred and rambling whenever I put my mind to writing. I think I did manage to write two things that are passable, so I posted them. The tonality of those writings is... so different from the past. I re-read them and it was like reading someone elses writing. One is called "Bump in the Night" and the other is "Total Peace". There's not a lot of rhyme/rhythm to them, but the subject matter is curious even to me, like I shut off "me" and let some deeper voice scream through my fingers.

Anyhow, I do feel like I'm "getting better". I'm a "please" and "thank you" type of guy. "Have a great day", and I mean it type of guy. I realized for the last six months (since August or so), that hasn't been me. I've been a "sneer" and "sod off" kind of guy. I think I'm finding that part of myself. Smiling to people. Saying "Please" and "Thank you" and "have a great day"... and meaning it from the bottom of my heart.