I think I'm experiencing emotional side effects of everything that has happened these last few months.
I found myself very angry, snippy, and probably way too rough for no real reason today. I took it out on someone else, alas. It's too late to subtract the words.
I think the question I forgot is this: Did you do it for a good? Were your goals good?
I think they were. So tomorrow, I have a meeting, and I'll apologize for being a snippy, grumpster...I hate losing control. I have all these excuses to lose control, but I don't want to. Dammit.
On the "shiny happy" front... Doctor looked at the implant and said everything is good, but it was kind of an odd visit. Like "let me check and make sure you haven't torn my handiwork out" type thing.
yes, the incisions are healing. Yes, it looks correct in the ear.
And that's about it. Just felt short and rushed.
I've now gone over a month without hearing much of anything, which seems like an excellent time to reflect on sounds I miss...
I miss voices. Real voices. Not the ones my mind makes up.
I miss the sound of running water. Faucets. Creeks. Waves on the shore.
I miss the sound of my nephew's laughter and giggles.
I miss music. A soundtrack other than my own.
I miss the aural squinting of trying to hear what you're saying.
August 6th, I get evaluated for a cochlear implant. I'm kinda hoping they say yes...
I think the lack of sound is upsetting my head. I'm kinda light headed lately. While on vacation, we were in the pool at a hotel. I need a "hand stand and roll" in the pool... and when I rolled upside down, I felt an immense dizzy wave wash over me. Ugh.
I miss walking around without pain. I miss even being able to walk fast. Jog a little.
I miss riding my bike SO much. I miss walking around the store.
I miss NOT having the use a freaking cane.
I miss NOT being stared at whenever I go somewhere. I'm like a freaking celebrity. I'm not Brad Pitt. Really. Stop looking at me just because I'm using a Knee Walker.
So, I'm still working on the healing thing. My Doctor tells me I can put 100% weight on by July 5th (my next appointment). I'll be at 75% this Tuesday...
I need to get back home by June 30th or my cat will starve. Can I climb the stairs? Yeah. But it's real slow.Is it safe? Not really, no. It's clumsy. There's no way I can do stuff like carry in groceries and such. Maybe i'll just have to go home for lunch and feed the cat? It could work.
I'm returning the CPAP this week as well. That was such a clusterfuck. Not using the CPAP itself, but the billing... terribly restrictive. But who cares? I already have my own CPAP, so why do I need to deal with these idiots? I'll take it back, and they can perch and twirl on it. My Doctor will be happy that I have one, and can use it... without some sneaky ass bastards trying to watch me breathe at night...
I'm also visiting with my hearing aid dealer to get a second opinion on my latest hearing test results. Is my hearing really so bad? We'll see. If she confirms it, I'll follow up with another ENT and hope they take me seriously. Geez, at least do some tests. I could have an ear wax plug or something making my ears ring, but the useless twats at MOSA ENT wouldn't know because their doctors don't actually see patients unless it's easy or whatever the heck.
(Note: Audiologist stated that my hearing test in 2008 is identical to my hearing test now. There is no difference. Not a good thing, really. Tinnitus sucks...)
I woke up Monday (6/25) morning with a lot of energy. Got myself to work quickly... but started to get dizzy on the drive in. Got in, tried to shake it off... then had to run/wheel to the bathroom and throw up. Left work, drove home, and fell asleep till 1pm. Felt marginally better. Made some coleslaw and had that for lunch. Started to feel better. Put my hearing aid back on... and started to feel worse... Monday: Not a good day, dammit.
I'm looking forward to fireworks on the 30th at Darcey and Jimmy's place. I'm looking forward to having a real vacation week someone around the end of July. I hope I can swim. I hope I can enjoy myself.
Beware: this post shall wander aimlessly...
I think I may be suffering some kind of PTSD associated with my broken leg. Example: while watching a movie tonight, my eye was caught by my cat, Fargo, who was on the floor in front of me. A cat toy (grey, made of rubber) was caught on his nail. But when I looked down, it looked like he was flapping a broken leg in the air. I screeched out "Holy shit, Fargo's leg is broken!".
He was flapping the cat toy, which was stuck to his paw... being the same color, it looked like he was limping around with a broken limb. I leapt to my feet, prepared to help my poor kitty... when he shook the toy off his nail and my dad is looking at me like "what is wrong with you?"
Feeling "old" this week. A combination of things...
1. My birthday. 41. Nothing much happened for my birthday. at all.
2. <removed because some people are nosey and need to mind their own business.>
3. Work. My first day back... I had to fire someone. For very good reason, but I felt so... hilariously mature, like I was an adult Ferris Bueller would frown upon and say "why are you harshing my day, Cameron?" I felt OLD doing it. But oddly feeling that I only did what had to be done. And it got WORSE... "Welcome to As the Library Turns..." I can't even outline it all. Maybe someday... I sure hope the dumb ass wasn't on K2 or something, and shows up for blind drugged vengeance... but calling the police was necessary. Felt very much like the Syed incident at Noble, but amplified because I wasn't the direct victim, but I was the adult who said "we MUST call the police. It's the only thing we can do." Wonder if a court date comes up on it... I doubt it will be as funny as the Syed court was. Judge: "English, do you speak it???"
4. Hiring new people. 5 interviews in a week. Picked 2. They're so... young. And look at me like a mentor... like their boss. Which is kind of cool, and oddly responsible at the same time. Humbling, really. It is such responsibility to do it RIGHT.
5. Dealing with ye olde broken ankle/leg. I'm on a 25% plan until the 4th of July. 25% more weight per week, and I need to get into PT asap. Starting Monday, a friend from work is calling the PT at Providence Park for me to set up an appointment. I've started putting weight on it, and find some negative effects quickly... I had a large swelling of my foot and foreleg yesterday from walking around the house outside on crutches.
I so miss just being able to walk! a simple little walk around the house. Down the street. Up the stairs. I miss my own piece of shit condo.
6. Borg... it's looking more and more like I'm going to become the Six Million Dollar Borg. Assimilated into a collective of deaf. Confirming diagnosis... this sucks. Just what I need this year: more major surgery. six months of numb head and total deafness for up to a month, and NO guarantee the procedure would stop the tinnitus.
7. CPAP madness. Okay. BCBSM, I have a message for you: Your BS "30 days consecutive use" plan is completely inhumane. See all the stuff I've written above? I have way more important things to do in my life than sleep in only one way, with that shit shoved in my head. Will the CPAP save my life? maybe so. But all things in their place and time... your plan takes no comprehension to the fact that life changes daily. I'll just return the damn thing and buy one of my own online. Then I'll use the thing when I can without being monitored like Nazi America. My doctor will be thrilled then. And the company that would have sold me a CPAP? You just cost them a nice contract.