Fully Randomized Caterwauling

very little of anything is making much sense these days… I’m struggling right now with both the mental and physical phases.

a. My left leg keeps fighting me. i keep trying to be more physical, but bugs keep cropping up. Right now, my ankle feels stiff and fragile. and my back feels like I slipped a disc. I’m starting to feel like Bruce Willis: I’m too old for this shit.

I need to lose weight, but it’s like my body doesn’t want me to. everytime i do something even vaguely athletic, like walking a mile, i have to wait a week or 2 before picking it up again… I should go to my doctor, but…

b. I’m having issues with Doctor offices. Why is is just so difficult for a doctor office to contact me in a way that WORKS? A phone call is NOT an honest attempt to contact a deaf person. I’m sorry, but it’s NOT. I don’t care what the law says: the law has no idea what it’s like to be deaf, nor does it care.

I don’t trust my doctor now. They cancelled an appointment and never told me. No email. No call to my dad. NOTHING. Plus, my Doctor was horribly rude to my friends, who were also his patients… I’m not sure i want to work with him anymore.

I don’t trust the Sleep Center either. They scheduled an appointment and never told me. They didn’t contact me: they contacted my dad: less than 12 hours before the appointment. They asked me to schedule another appointment… well, why would I? You schedule shit on ¬†your own. Why don’t you schedule it and not tell me then bitch about it to me in snail mail again because I don’t show up again? Jackasses….

I think I need new doctors. I need new doctors who fully understand that a deaf person can’t use a telephone. Use email, use snail mail… just contact me. It’s not that hard, really.

c. Life is change. The more everything changes, the more it stays the same. There is way too much change going on right now. I feel so off center. Everyone is leaving me. Maybe it’s selfish to have that thought, but I’m having it.

Friends leaving. Employees going on to bigger and better things. Family friends passing.

It’s not me this year… it’s everyone else.

d. I miss my friends. I miss hanging out with steve and ruth and wendy and sal and howard… I miss hanging out with charlie and toni, lucas, bella and jack… I miss feeling like part of the group.

I’m so tired of being alone. I don’t want to live alone anymore. i don’t want to wake up alone anymore.


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