Summary and Upheaval of Fabric

So everything in my life seems to have changed drastically, and I lost my voice to speak here. Now I’m struggling to regain my voice.

My mom passed away in November after a bit of a battle with Renal Cell Carcinoma, a shitty piece of disease that creeps up and infects your body so insidiously, that the doctor have no real way of knowing it’s there until it’s already done it’s damaged. She spent the last month of her life in the hospital, and the preceding month undergoing radiation and chemotherapy treatments for… well… nothing much at all.  She got so weak, she could not get into the house on her own. She could not stand up on her own anymore.

Now everything is different. I no longer know what normal is, and this effects everything there is about me. Maybe this post will be a bit selfish, but after the last 6 months, maybe there’s some time in your life when its not really so awful to be selfish. Sometimes it’s required.

I’ve been feeling mean. Petty. Vindictive. Upset. Pissed off. Scared for myself. Scared for my dad. I’ve been snappy with co-workers, and probably not nearly as pleasant as I otherwise should be. How long should it take for me to regain my footing, and find myself again?

For years,one of the ways I kept my head screwed on right, was to write poetry. It was blowing off steam. I posted a bit of these that pass muster on this site (http://mcspoo.com/creative). But I haven’t been able to produce much of anything but pointless hatred and rambling whenever I put my mind to writing. I think I did manage to write two things that are passable, so I posted them. The tonality of those writings is… so different from the past. I re-read them and it was like reading someone elses writing. One is called “Bump in the Night” and the other is “Total Peace“. There’s not a lot of rhyme/rhythm to them, but the subject matter is curious even to me, like I shut off “me” and let some deeper voice scream through my fingers.

Anyhow, I do feel like I’m “getting better”. I’m a “please” and “thank you” type of guy. “Have a great day”, and I mean it type of guy. I realized for the last six months (since August or so), that hasn’t been me. I’ve been a “sneer” and “sod off” kind of guy. I think I’m finding that part of myself. Smiling to people. Saying “Please” and “Thank you” and “have a great day”… and meaning it from the bottom of my heart.

  1 comment for “Summary and Upheaval of Fabric

  1. Jow
    January 28, 2010 at 8:09 PM

    Mike, I ran across this today browsing through Facebook and was a little surprised to see that mcspoo.com is a real page.

    This post reminds me of when I lost my mom back in 2004. The circumstances were different, but what is similar (and I think this is probably nearly universal) is the complete disruption of reality we experienced. I came home from helping a friend move to find my mom dead in bed and at that moment all of it, childhood memories good and bad and more, came flooding back in fast-forward and knocked me on my ass.

    In an attempt to keep myself busy so that I couldn’t focus on what’d happened, I actually went back to work the next day. It didn’t work – I ended up making it about 1/3 through the day before I just started feeling too overwhelmed to function and went home. I’m honestly not sure when I found equilibrium again, but it took a while.

    Everyone deals with these things in their own unique ways, Mike. I’m a firm believer, even during the best of times, that no one is going to take care of our needs like we ourselves can. Perhaps the last six months have been your psyche’s way of dealing with all of this, even if you feel it’s overcompensated in the other direction.

    Whatever the case, be kind to yourself. You will get through this, and the people who really care about you will be there waiting… whether you occasionally tell them to sod off or not. 🙂

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